In a profound state of surrender today. Woke up this morning and didn't fight or push, not to get up, not to make the kitties get along, not to make sure everyone got their snuggle, including me. Just snuggled, whoever came, let them go when they left, just lay there until the "arise" made itself known.
Then no push to not drink coffee, or to hurry and get the morning things done. Just did things, one after another. Made a huge pot of half decaf coffee, then surrendered when a third of it spilled out onto the counter. Now sun on kitty fur, and a movie and dinner setup with my sister for tomorrow, even though we'd set it up for today, all good, all okay. Letting the novel flow through my mind and heart, let it change, let it find its way. Surrender to The Appetite that lives inside my mind, that flows into Body - to eat gluten free bread today, all day today if that's what happens. Paying bills, so grateful for the money to pay them, grateful for the flow of money in our world, for kitty food and coffee and shelter.
And as I woke up this morning, I felt so profoundly how the mind somehow stops the flow of Yes, with its filter of past, all the stories and angles it tells itself is reality. But there was no judgment around seeing this, only acknowledgment of how this is what's happening. A relaxing into this wall I live on the other side of.
Ahhh, in writing these words, I feel the fight come back into the heart, that tube of tightness between throat and chest. Is that what does it? Is this what brings the fight back? Acknowledging the presence of the Yes? (Don't write about the Good! Don't jinx it!)
And yet in writing those words, the fight retreats, leaving the presence of acknowledgment of both: this is the Yes, and the possibility of fight is there too.
I remember a dream from last night. A baby hawk attached itself with claws to my back, right where my heart is. But I didn't fight it, just let it be there, claws sunk deep into me. And in a while, it let go, and I slipped out of my shirt, and with it came the hawk. Released.
No Big Mystical Experience. Just the flow of This.