The whole day stretches out ahead. Work begins again tomorrow at 8:30 or 9a, and then there will be a cascade of deliverables with due dates. But today: nothing to do.
Nothing to do. Nothing.
I figured out that I can do a rudimentary cleaning of the house every couple of weeks. And can do laundry a load at a time here and there. And that my hair can go for three days without needing a wash. And going to the grocery store is an event that I put on makeup and some sort of phreaky costume for, so that's pretty amusing.
There's no push to blog or read or write or hike or cook or catch up with people. No need to shop or improve or decorate or create or inspire or lead the muthafrakkin way.
There's very little to do anymore.
If I have a spiritual discipline anymore it's to Go Slow. Or rather Let Go Of Pushing. Of course, it could just be a sign of growing older and/or my fat a*ss slowing me down, but maybe not. Mostly what it feels like is some sort of pulling the plug on having the mind generate something that it decides must be done and done now, and done quickly, because the next thing to be done needs to get going, and would I please move a little faster muthaf*cker?
Yes, there is anger in the doing. In the push to get things done, enough things done, so many things done that I'm ahead of other people in the doing department.
Anger that the doing must be done. Anger in the people that slow down or thwart the doing. Damn those interferers! Damn those that get in the way of the doing! Anger at the Life situations that move in to harsh the mellow that could be the doing but instead turn the doing into a pushing which sucks and is really really unfair. Lead, follow, or get the f*ck out of the way! F*ck that! F*ck you! No, f*ck you!
Have you noticed that there is always a bozo on the bus? That there is always a doing thwarter, a groove harsher, a human barrier to a nice, smooth, effortless doing, and that usually they are wearing bad pants?
I've noticed that the less I interact with people, the more things flow in a lovely flow of flowing Yes. What does this mean?
I've also noticed that the less I do, the less push, the less anger, the less funkola is present as I roll through my days.
Less people equals more Yes? Less doing means more Yes?
If you no longer believe that you are special, no longer believe that there are important things for you to get done - either for survival of you or your immediate circle of those you've deemed worthy of keeping around or your larger circle of community, your tribe - what do you think happens to your motivation?
And as your motivation falls away, and less things get done, you find fewer people like you (of course this happens, it's not cruel but simply survival of the fittest kicking in) and even fewer people want to give you things (because if you're not doing and amassing emotional/physical/mental stuff you really don't have anything they want anymore, sorry, could you please get out of the way now?) what happens to your self-esteem?
And as low self-esteem gets boring, and you let it go (not just the low self-esteem but the high-self esteem too because you discover that they are a package deal) and instead turn your sense of inner joy toward something else, what happens? And this something else, is it just replacement doing? Is this sort of doing better doing because it's pointless doing? Like getting so good at kitty snuggling that it's way beyond a vulcan mind meld and deep in the heart of kitty shape-shifting, or sitting on the front stoop in the dark and listening to the sound of wind in the trees and birds getting ready for bed?
And if you have no motivation, and aren't spurred onward and upward by low self-esteem, what happens?
Because here's the thing. When you begin to wander away from the herd enough to see what sorts of things you've always believed were true, really basic things like willpower or love, aren't true at all, there's a moment that stops you in your tracks when you get: I have no idea what is true anymore, and therefore everything is suspect.
Things get really really interesting after that.
You ask yourself: am I a good person? And the reflex answer is yes. Maybe there's some qualifying, some humbleness of how you're working on being a better person, but the answer is yes. When it gets right down to it, everyone thinks they are a good person, maybe just misunderstood, or just having a bad day. But when you question everything, one of the hideyholes you discover is this supposed truth of what you're really like.
I've discovered I'm an as*shole, which was kind of shocking to realize at first, but it sure does explain a lot. Maybe I won't always be an as*shole, but admitting it is the first step, no? Or maybe we're all as*sholes and that's okay. Maybe it's okay to be an a*shole. Or maybe if we all admitted we're as*holes the whole human race would die out from as*sholery.
How about you? Are you a good person?
Go ahead, ask yourself. We'll wait.
So now that admitting you're not a good person is okay and on the table as kind of funny, are you chiming in? How about you run with it, take it out for a spin in your living and then come back and tell me how it went. Notice what happens to your feelings and your resources, then let's talk.
Moving away from the herd means you stop doing things simply because other people say you should. But the cost is that when you stop doing things that other people are doing, these other people get very angry at you - not just because you're not doing the things, but also because if they have to, so do you, and who do you think you are just Not Doing?
But when you stop doing things, and stop getting things in return, you begin to see what you need to live. Do you need the latest cut of shirt - the one with the slightly puffy sleeves? Do you need an iPhone? Do you need organic produce? Do you need a soulmate? Do you need world peace? Do you need to brush your teeth? Do you need to spawn? Do you need a boxspring to go with your mattress? Do you need just one more kitty? Do you need to be pain free? Do you need a trip to India to visit a world class guru who may or may not slip you the tongue if he can get you alone? Do you need gluten-free snacks? Do you need regular cardiovascular exercise? Do you need the audio version of Perfect Brilliant Stillness narrated by Terence Stamp? Do you need a hug?
So maybe all I'm saying is that I've discovered that when you stop doing, you really tick people off. Maybe what I'm saying is that I've discovered that I'm the bozo on the bus. My pants are certainly bad enough - all saggy in the seat and made of velour and so old they look kind of patina-ed.
But really. Whatever.
I'm going to go have a half glass of wine. Maybe visit the greenery. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe unpack a box with winter clothes instead of pawing through them like I did all last week because I discover I'm cold and need a long-sleeve shirt. Maybe sit on the stoop and smoke an american spirit rette because it's amusing to spend all week working on tobacco cessation projects and then flare one up.
There's doing. And then there's doing. The trick is to know the difference.
It helps if you're an as*shole.
