Friends, dudes, fellow human torches, Tribe of Yes, and you couple of troll/rubberneckers still hanging on by your toenails: Welcome to a new freakin post!
Where do I even start?
I've lost almost all of the passionate urge to tell my story. It flairs up here and there, like a mental rash, then is gone. What remains feels more fun, less forced, more flow.
I'm also losing most of the ability to filter myself, the things I say, how I present myself.
I spent the past two days doing two very intense, possibly life-altering job interviews. And I couldn't make myself do the Serious Professional Thing. Instead I cracked jokes and answered questions in story form that had folks howling with laughter. Sitting in both of those interviews I felt myself deep inside of a knowledge of: this is who i am, this is the personality i operate out of, this is what i can do for your business/office, this is what i have to offer.
(and everyone seemed to get it, genuinely get it. whether they choose to be around it in the future who knows? but they got it. even that one woman who kept looking at me, narrowing her eyes, the thought in her head: are you f*cking for real???)
I projected a very important message about my presence: if you choose to have me be a part of your work world, I will change things, how I think and see and feel is going to be something you haven't experienced much of in your living. I don't think outside the box. I live outside the box. And I'll take you with me. It won't always be easy for you. But we'll laugh, and turn the lights on, and see what things look like from that perspective.
I'm a psychic shamanic healer cyborg. I have an MPH and can speak the language of science. I have a dang good time in this crazy hilarious dance of living. And I'm not afraid of the dark.
And even though all last night I felt like the top of my head was going to come off and my body was going to tension spasm itself into implosion, I got out of bed this morning with a relaxed heart and cheerful mind knowing that if I'm rejected for either or both jobs it will be because I genuinely don't fit.
There will be no more bullsh*tting to get ahead. No more selling myself. If I "get ahead" it will be based purely on something outside of my will. If I feel to take an action - apply for a job, launch a new blog - it will be because I simply feel to, and the outcome is out of my hands, even as the heart and energy I feel to put into it are of my own vibration, and how I choose to raise or temper that vibration is still my call. (or is it???)
I don't owe anybody anything.
I agree to work for the state, and in exchange for some cash and benefits I do what my bosses tell me to do, and use my best judgment to do the best job I can. But I don't owe my boss or the clients. I do this job for as long as it feels true. Then I'm done.
I don't owe holistic clients anything beyond the hour they pay me for, because I agreed to a business deal, and I honor it. I get involved with them, in emailing and talking on the phone, and allowing their images and energies to flow through my heart and mind because it feels true. If it doesn't, I don't.
For months now I've been hearing that: I don't owe anyone anything.
It allowed me to see the fear I blog posted out of, revealing a fear of loss of readers, and your energy, support. I faced the loss of labels like Important, Meaningful, Talented, Wanted, Respected.
It showed me my bloated twitter and google reader feed and multiple email accounts for the fear they were swollen with.
I saw the items in my home that I clung to out of fear of lack of future flow, abundance.
I saw how my reflex action of responding to every incoming email was a fear of not being seen as good enough.
And I let it all go.
There's still residue to clean up. There're a few more rooms to declutter. But the bulk is done done with. Vamoosed. Sayanara.
(at least for this portion of the Waking Up Extravaganza!)
And this weird phase of minimal blogging via password is part of it. Quantity is being jettisoned in favor of quality. Not in a judgmental Truth kind of quality . . . just in a: this is the quality of the light I genuinely radiate, and folks that don't feel that will get bored in some aspect of their experience and wander off from these DG shores.
Whoever feels to stick around will do so because they feel to, not because I'm romancing them. (Unless lack of romancing is your romance :) If/when you feel to leave, much love, peace out, til we meet again, and don't forget to tip your hatcheck girl with a prayer of gratefulness to Life. . . And if you feel to hang out, for how ever long that is, cool.
Saying No Thanks to things, energy, folks that Life radiates No at us around frees up the space for Yes to flow in. Maybe fear and Yes cannot occupy the same space. Or maybe they do, but the Fear has a big honkin mouth that the Yes can't be heard above. I do know for sure that less No means more Yes. And that seeing the Yes in everything allows us to see the flashing Not For Me in the things, energy, folks we've moved beyond, allows us to make the choice of No Thanks, I'll Pass, with a clean clear heart and a silly smile.
The sun is shining through the window on a beautiful Carolina morning and my home and car are asking that I clean them.
Onward. Further. Heck yeah.
(Thanks, Life. You're freakin hysterical, you know that??? :)
