Maybe it's about writing smaller posts, ie post cards from the Now? The habit here is to do long essay-ish posts, but it just ain't happening. Maybe it's about not writing for a while. For those of you who've been coming here for a long time, you know I go through this every couple of years or so. But this feels different.
At least I wrote this:
I would like to withdraw my application for the Program Coordinator position. I appreciate the opportunity to meet with you all last week, and wish you all the best in finding an excellent new team member.
The only thing I feel around it is: relief. Not regret, not bummer, not oops. Just relief. That I'd stopped tormenting my heart with my mind. That I stopped threatening the Yes with a big fat pending No. Every time I looked at the kitties I'd get a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach at what I'd be putting them through, the calm I would be tossing away as if it were a small thing. And I kept remembering my friend Kelly's words when I called her from the road immediately after the job interview, when I was dealing with the first onslaught of Just Say No Thank You. She said: it's okay to be still.
And although I appreciate all the emails telling me in one way or another that not pursuing this opportunity is about fear in some way - fear of change, fear of success, etc. - and that I should follow it through until they tell me No, that I should take their No as the real No, not my own intuitive, psychic No - I would just like to say: why do you devalue psychic ability in yourself? Why do you not listen to your own intuition in your living? Why do you fear what doesn't come from your mind or outside of yourself?
Can you imagine living your life totally in the flow of What Is? Of listening to the warp and weft of body-mind-spirit plugged into Body-Mind-Spirit?
I can. And more than that, I can feel it's presence. That's why I say: f*ck the prestigious job. Success in my book is following the trail of Yes. Even if it leads me to Nothing in Nowhere with No One.
So often in this Hiveworld of a job, where about 10% of what I can offer gets utilized, where I'm underpaid and overworked, I forget that I'm educated and capable and smart and have earning potential. Maybe that's all this job opportunity meant this go around: look at the sort of folks who want to hire you, look at the salary they offer, the sort of work you could do. So that even though the psychic Yes said No this go around, there'll be others.
And if not? I trust that too . . .