You can bet that when you experience dead air here at DatingGod that there is Deep Sh*t going down. And this past period of silence from me? Deep Deep Doodoo. And the slow but sure realization of the power of compost . . .
Breakthrough and change are occurring, and while I'm struggling, and there's a lot of chaos happening, I'm okay, the kitties are okay, and I trust what's going on.
What's going on? The highlights:
I'm actively, confidently job hunting. I was waiting for some sort of signal to make a job change, and I got one. A big blaring neon one. It's too messy to go into yet, but it took me three weeks to get, yet again, that I can walk away from No. That I don't have to try and change it, or make friends with it, or adjust to it. I can just walk away. It's no one's fault, just the changes Life brings. For every season, turn, turn, turn.
I don't know how long it'll take me to complete this, but it's in motion. I'm actively job hunting, both here in Wilmington, but especially in the Durham, Raleigh, Chapel Hill area. And I have an interview on Wednesday for an amazing job, one that uses all three of my biggest skills: holistic medicine/modalities, program management, and the public health master's degree. Will their culture be a good fit? Will we get along? Will the start date allow me enough time to give notice and move to Durham? Can I convince and show them I can do a great job? I'll get a chance to find out the answers to these questions in just a few days.
Two weeks ago, Tuesday, December 7th, I had the roughest day I've ever had with the food addiction. The day before, I'd had a super clean green smoothie only day, so the following morning was feeling the detox pretty intensely. I went to work to the blaring neon of No that's flashing, and then was invited to a department breakfast, and I went and ate everything they offered. Then to a department xmas lunch, and stuffed that down. Wheat, meat, sugar, cheese, carbs, processed, oh my freaking god. I ended up so sick from it, throwing up for two days, out of my mind in pain and grief, that not knowing what else to do, I drug myself to an AA meeting. Then another, and another.
I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm certainly an addict. I've used substances over the years to numb and comfort, to get me high, and help me relax and feel joy. But because of the work I've done on myself the past 25 years, I'm at a point where all the addictions have fallen away. Except the demon that inhabited them now only uses refined carbs to survive. The gluten free cake slice: the demon's last stand.
I've been to a few AA meetings over the years, and never felt any resonance, but that Tuesday night, I felt support and love and a place where it was okay to bring The Crazy. I don't know how many more I'll go to, I'm not an alcoholic, and these folks are very intensely focused on alcohol, and I have tremendous respect for what they're doing. But the basic tenets resonate for me, and have been a great help: complete honesty, a surrender to the fact that the addiction is unmanageable, and how a power greater than myself is the only way to vamoose it. Plus I've met some really lovely people. And the food addiction has been dialed down to doable. One day at a time . . .
And oh good lord, the lovely holistic clients I've been speaking with the past month. I've spent my weekends in awe, in the presence of such surrender and willingness to let the No slip away, to embrace the Yes, even as it comes in a form they never ever would have imagined. Working with these folks has had me digging deeper than I ever have, to use the psychic and shamanic abilities in new ways, to reach past any resistance in me, to the place where generosity and love and Yes is right there for them. I don't mean this to sound hubristic. If anything this has been about stepping away from my ego, about allowing whatever skills and abilities I have to be used however they're needed in the moment, even as I watch and respect the boundaries my little one, my gatekeeper have erected to keep my energies safe and clear and strong enough to keep me alive and healthy and well as we do this deep work with folks.
With all the chaos going on in the other areas of my living, these hours spent in session with folks have been my sacred hours, sitting in worship of the magic power of the presence of Yes with another human, in gratefulness and surrender at the courage and willingness of a human being to face a lifetime of collected No, to set it down, even as they cry, and mourn it's passing. It's been a blessing. And for every one of you: thank you, thank you from the depths of my heart, for being with me, for allowing me to be with you.
Love, love, love . . . so much love . . . even in the face of glaring blaring neon No, there is so much Yes . . . so very much Yes . . . thank you Life . . . thank you for always bringing the Yes . . . and for the grace, the surrender to be able to see it, feel it . . . thank you . . . thank you . . . may your broadcast of Love and Yes beam out into every heart . . . every mind soothed by the presence of your Yes . . . thank you for our lives . . . thank you for our lives . . .