Flu-like symptoms for over a week now. Blisters coming and going on my palms, like mutant eczema. All of the cleansing apparatuses of a physical body in high gear. Funky, smelly, ick. Emotional cleansing too. Embarrassing emotional cleansing.
I actually screamed and shook not one but two cats last night. Sure there was a serious, serious willful poop malfunction involved in one, and in the other, a dumped over water glass inches away from an electrical cord hooked up to my computer, but still. It scared the crap out of everyone. And then I spent a half hour dealing with the demon possession of hatred I felt. And then an hour dealing with the shame. But when I faced them all again, with their enormous, frightened eyes, I lay down beside each one in turn, and apologized. And of course they forgave me, licked my cheek, purred, gave me the sparkly eyed love look, then slept on top of me all night en masse, like a multi-feline blanket.
I needed them. It was a rough night. Not physically - I actually had very little physical pain, which was a relief after the past few weeks. But the dreams were intense, woke me three times with energy that lit me up. I don't remember the first one, but the last two? Whoaaaaaaaaaaa.
Around midnight, I woke up with my body, mind, heart lit up with love. Actually, not love, but Love. That Big Love so rarely felt with another human being in a romantic setting, that when it occurs our current culture calls it "soulmate". Wow. I lay there in the dark, seconds away from how he smiled at me, the touch of his skin. The sound of rain clicked on the windows, the torrential downpour that has been constant here on the coast for the past few days. Kitties felt me wake and prrrped, snuggled in more deeply. Wow. Feelings of such Yes, such love, safety. Wow. I drifted back to sleep.
The dream continued, right where it left off.
And slowly began to turn. Into a nightmare. Not a scary nightmare. A sad one. So sad. From soulmate love to merely human love. Then no love at all. I woke up in a kind of shock. And as I lay there in the dark, I heard:
"All of your stories have unhappy endings."
Whoa. Whoaaaaa. Do they? And slowly I began to wind my way backward through all of the friends, lovers, jobs, homes, family, projects, everything, even the master's degree in the assured career. And saw yes, it's true.
I didn't feel any blame toward the people involved or victimy pain at my plight or righteous anger at fate. None of that. Just a quiet acknowledgment that my life has been hope/ dream/ want followed by opportunity/ synchronicity/ magic followed by hard work/ creativity/ risk taking followed by pain/failure/ending. I couldn't recall a single thing that didn't fit with that.
I didn't know what to do with it, that information, that angle on the truth of my living. Nothing more came. Just that.
Jacinta was sleeping, pressed against my right shoulder. I turned and with my left armed circled her, tucked my hand under her, cradling her face, laying my head on her body, most of my weight supported by my pillow. Usually she didn't like to be touched while she slept. But last night she purred so loud it reverberated through me. And didn't stop. I fell back asleep like that, to the sound of loud rumbling feline Yes.
And woke relaxed. Okay. As if something had lifted. A little space. A little bit of moving room in my consciousness. I got up, made green smoothies, a gallon's worth, enough to last through work, fed kitties, showered, answered emails, got ready to go to work in Hiveworld, another day in Hiveworld.
And I realize: work is the place right now that solidly, consistantly reminds me Who I Am. When I'm plugged in, being of service to folks who are struggling in their own Battle with No, my own feelings of funk fades. Whether it's with the holistic work or the Hiveworld work, it's the same energy: that vibrant flow of Yes that somehow feels effortless and vital and worth showing up for every single time.
It's okay that I don't have answers to the cleansings that are occurring, either my own or the folks I deal with. That my life has been filled with unhappy endings, or that the folks I'm working with are dealing with unhappy endings of their own. Maybe a few folks are genuinely stopping their stories altogether, but I don't see anymore how we have a choice in that. Either Life stops our story or it doesn't. All we can do is show up to what is showing up in our living. Face it. Do what needs to be done. Even if that action is simply to release the whole pile of goo as if it didn't even exist.
Ultimately, none of it exists, but if there is a way to force this fact of non-existence into a solid knowingness of it, I certainly don't know how. I only know how to do the next thing, and right now, it's dealing with the stories that cause me and others to embrace toxic things and not let them go. We're all struggling to change our stories, to move them into tales of financial security, meaningful work, vibrant health, Big Love with family, friends, lovers. And that means less Toxic. And maybe Waking Up can happen with our arms full of Toxic, but I doubt it. In my experience, we let things go, one by one, the Toxic and the Love.
Right now, I deal with the Toxic. And I'm grateful for it. Both the experience of how it came to be be, and the experience of sheer freedom as it exits.
Onward. Further. What else to do with a life?