I woke up this morning and my face hurt. I got up, looked in the mirror, saw red-rimmed eyes almost swollen shut. I got on the scale, 181 lbs. The culprit? The bacon, eggs, and gluten free corn bread I ate last night, followed by a gluten free cinnamon roll. Sugar, nitrates, animal protein, all of which my body can't handle, and at night, the time of day it can least handle any type of food.
For weeks I've been asking over and over: how do I stop fighting this? I've tried everything. Eat whatever I feel like, whatever, whenever, let myself get so sick I actually throw up. Put myself on strict regimens of various clean foods or liquids or veg juices or protein powders or green powders or soy-free miso soups or detox herbs. Master Cleanse fast. Juice fast. Detox herb fast. Every single one of them helped. For about two weeks. And then the emotional parasitical energetic Whatever It Is was back.
But this morning I realized something. The thing to stop fighting isn't the food, isn't the parasite, isn't the craving, isn't the "demon". It's the thing I'm most afraid of, the thing, whatever it is, that I'm desperately keeping covered in layers of food, of fat, of bloat and lack of motion and isolation and a hundred others reflections of Not Aliveness.
I have a pretty good idea of what's coming for me. I had a vision of the DTs an alcoholic goes through, the sweats and terrors of kicking heroin, but that just might be the fear talking. The truth is that I have no idea wtf is going on. Except that I'm still so sick, for so long now, and so sick of being sick, and I've tried everything, and nothing works beyond a temporary state. And that the only way to stop fighting is to stop doing, stop the action, the action of eating, that paradox of Just Stop that I'm facing on so many other levels.
Stop all relationships, even as I am part of an interconnected web of people. Pare all relationships down to only what's essential for survival. Any relating beyond that, only do if it's strongly indicated. Because my "normal" for relationships: so toxic it's poisonous.
Stop all pursuit of a career, even as I need to work to survive. Pare down all work to only the most bare of needed for material world survival. Any work beyond that, only do if it's strongly indicated. Because my "normal" for work: so toxic it's poisonous.
And now food.
A shaman I studied with a few years back used to take people out into the forest for five day fasts. Fast as in nothing. Not even water. He said that the point of this was to take the human being so close to death that the demons feeding off him gave him up for dead and left. He was a deeply powerful shaman who could protect people while they did this. Although I wanted to do this with him, I never did, for whatever reason. And now I'm on my own, and even as I get that doing a fast like that isn't the way to go for me right now, I understand what he meant, and what he did, and why.
32 days. 32 days of only the simplest of foods. You might want to steer clear. Things are probably going to get really ugly . . .