Yesterday I wrote about getting psychic info so intensely that it turned the volume down on my physical ears as the psychic listening grew louder. And afterwards, I didn't tell the guy what I'd heard. But the reason I didn't tell him had nothing to do with me, or a decision I made, or even something to do with morals or ethics or believing he could handle it (or I could for that matter).
The reason I didn't say anything was absolutely clear, with no possible deviation: it wasn't indicated.
I don't mean to be fruity with this. As if there is some mystical, magical kaboom that occurs. It is an actual feeling, a particular combo of physical and emotional. It appears to originate somewhere between right below my navel, and the center of my chest, though sometimes there will be constriction in my throat, or a kind of pain between my eyes.
Each of these places corresponds to a "chakra". Not sure how many of you guys are familiar with these "energy centers" but they are very real, and documented in most forms of medicine, even in western medicine, though western med refers to them only in terms of their physical counterparts. An example is the solar plexus. Its chakra is known as the center of will, where thought is processed in relationship to the outside world. Western medicine knows this place as a junction box for the nervous system, an enormous collection of nerve endings, sometimes known as the abdominal brain as it's where most decisions regarding the digestive system are made, hence terms like "a gut feeling" or a "nervous stomach". Another is the third eye, aka the pineal gland, which among other functions, produces a chemical substance known as DMT, which when gleaned from the plant world is known as a popular entheogen (a psychoactive substance used in religious/spiritual ritual), and when produced naturally in the pineal gland, releases during different peak experiences in our lives, and in an especially strong dose right after we die.
This is what I've evolved and trained in over many years of studying and experimenting to tune into. I think of it as my "psychic apparatus", a collection of observational tools and physical sensations and "emotional software". And because I've been training and experimenting so long, over twenty-five years, I trust it, even as I carry the doubt/skepticism that comes with allowing my rational, scientific brain to also weigh in.
Here's how this played out with the situation I wrote about yesterday:
- information simply begins to download, seemingly out of nowhere. no conscious thought on my part to open to it (as i would if seeing a client or a friend asked me to look), it just all of a sudden is present and in motion.
- i allow the data to flow, even as i check back with the physical world (my boss was still vocally speaking to me, and i "decided" to stay tuned out to his physical words, so that the psychic info could flow and i could pay strong attention to it). if i were in a situation that i felt absolutely required my physical attention, i could consciously turn the volume down on the psychic flow, though i very rarely choose to do this as when the psychic flow is coming of its own accord, without me "requesting it" (such as with a client), it is important, so regardless of whether i know where and how it fits, how i'm to use it, i listen in.
- when the info stops, i do a check to see what the next action is. this is experienced one of two main ways. as a push of energy around my throat or somewhere in my head that "feels" both floaty and full. i could also say that there is love present. it is best expressed by saying that i feel full of YES. the other is an absence of this push, or even a restrictive feeling, usually in my solar plexus or my throat, and is best expressed as a contraction, a clenching, or a NO. this is very different from a feeling of fear. fear simply feels like chaos, a scrambling, panting, erratic flash of all sorts of feelings and sensations. the NO experience is very orderly. The difference between YES and NO is as simple as a relaxed hand, or a closed fist. of course there is a continuum between closed and relaxed, and this too means something, but any presence of "clench" is a signal of some aspect of NO. And at the risk of totally confusing you, in it's pure form, with no resistance, it's actually both relaxed, with the difference between the two as a gentle nudge to take an action (YES) or don't take an action (NO).
- this is all very rapid. i no longer have to wade through the mechanics. i've been doing it for so long that just like anyone else who is well practiced, like a musician or an athlete or a public speaker, it now just flows.
Simplified, it played out like this:
- info downloads
- rational brain does check to see how fully attention can be turned toward psychic apparatus
- attention turns toward psychic apparatus and details download, what's occurring inside his body, in his mind, in his life
- info ceases
- rational brain asks psychic apparatus: what action now?
- action is a functional NO, so take no action whatsoever, file data away
- small piece of me that still doesn't trust the process, that is afraid of both cancer and dying, questions the NO. the stronger part of me that trusts the process overrides the questioning, and surrenders to the NO.
- the mistrusting part of me is wiley, and just as i'm walking out the door, it has me turn and try and weasel a way into telling him what i saw. it appears as if i'm having a conversation with my boss about his health, but what is occurring inside of me is a battle between the trusting and non-trusting parts of myself. the trusting wins, i leave, but the battle, and the leakage, leaves behind some sort of toxicity in me, and i feel a bit nauseous (the physical toxicity) and "ashamed" (the emotional toxicity) for about an hour, though tiny flashes of this yuck go on in decreasing amounts for a day or so. (and for the record, if i would have received a YES, i would have told him, even though it most likely would have been a really uncomfortable, possibly even dire situation for me at work, because if i get a YES and don't take the action, the toxicity comes into play here, too.)
Part of it is around being of service to people, to Life, but far and above, it is about being able to survive with this "thing" that I can't get rid of (and lord knows I seriously tried for a long, long time). I've learned to coexist with it, and have now evolved to where it is an absolutely amazing tool to have access to. And by survive, I mean learning what releases the toxicity and painstakingly learning how to not do the things that release it. I don't mean survive as in taking an action that will cause me to lose money or friends or resources - I take these sort of "self"-destructive actions routinely as par for the course in the Waking Up game. I mean survival on a kind of organism cellular level, as in eating or not eating hemlock. The toxicity makes me very very very sick.
Anyone who knew me in my late teens and twenties can tell you I lived in a state of almost total hysteria and illness, using drugs and alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, and sugar as a way to try and cope with what was a battle with the constant flood of data, trying to find a way to either express it or kill it as it was so enormous, so relentless, and so out of step with everything and everyone around me, branding me a crazy person, and an evil freak. I still feel the urge to weep when I think of what I went through all those years. No self-pity any more around it, just a head-shaking, heartbreak acknowledgment of: how the f*ck did I survive that? Followed by a deep sense of gratefulness that I did, a prayer of thanks to Life, and an intention: thank you Life for helping me find clearer and stronger ways to be of service, however you want, thank you for my life, thank you for all you've given me, thank you for all you've allowed me to experience, thank you, thank you, thank you.
So one more quick example. Yesterday, I went on a job interview. It was for a job several rungs/pay grades above where I am now. It's a huge jump. I never would have taken it if it weren't for both of my bosses insisting that it was doable, though they didn't give me details on how to prepare until the day before the interview, which was functionally too late really to be helpful, though in the Cubicleland world it is very clear that if you want a job you have to prove you both know and can do the job before they'll give it you.
In the two weeks leading up to the interview, I took the job description, and compiled a basic list of all the things I didn't really know about. But no matter how hard I tried to push or force myself, I couldn't research these things, and what little I managed to force myself to collect, I couldn't make myself learn. Even as I was driving the two and a half hours to the interview, I still couldn't even make myself think about the things. But throughout the process, the trusting part of me was relaxed and released, knowing that for some reason, I wasn't supposed to know those things. I didn't know whether it was because I was supposed to fail the interview and not get the job or what, but at a deep level, I trusted the process.
But my rational brain was screaming at me that these are basic things I have to know, and to not thoroughly prepare is lazy and stupid and self-sabotaging. My mind was furious with me for going to the expense of both time and money for something I was so obviously ill prepared for. It was brutal in my head during these lashings. But the trusting part flowed on, and it won, and I arrived at the interview knowing very little about the components of the job.
And of course, the interviewers didn't ask a single question about those topics. Not even the merest hint. Every single question was directed at things I was currently doing in my present job, and giving examples of different aspects of my personality and work ethic.
A more stark way to give you an example is if you showed up for a job interview in sweats and sneakers, only to find the interview team attired similarly because the company hates business attire. There is just no way you could have known this, and logically you were absolutely blowing the interview, and to show up like you did was both insane and ludicrous. But perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Do you get it? Do you see how clear and unmistakable it is? No thought, no deciding. Only following through with what is absolutely clear to be done, or not done.
And it's never wrong . . . even if it's I may not know how the data, the info, fits yet but I will . . .
Straightforward, clear, absolute: take the action, don't take the action, trust that more will be revealed at a later time . . .
I go through this hundreds (thousands?) of times a day, though of course it's usually around mundane things like whether to answer the phone, or if I'm forgetting to do or take something with me when I leave for work in the morning. I still stumble, like with my boss, but it's because I'm just a person like everyone else, still learning, still evolving. But it's a normal part of my living, and the more I do it unquestioningly, the easier and stronger it gets.
It's awesome. And it's accessible for you too. Just as accessible as taking a class on how to paint, or build decks, or identify flora and fauna, or sing. Maybe one person or another has more "talent" but everyone can do the basics. Everyone.
