One of the "surrenders" of the past year or so has been to stop fighting the mind, instead allowing it to run its trips however it feels to, but to take no real action around them. For instance, it's okay when the mind decides it wants to go back to school, to get a PhD in Public Health, or a Master's in Psych Counseling. I research and choose schools, begin the application process, but am also okay with letting it all go when I wake up one morning and don't move forward with it. I read all the incoming public health job notifications from the list serve I joined for the Raleigh area, but don't apply for any of them. I do preliminary applications for different jobs within the NC state Cubicleland system, but don't fight or complain when odd issues disallow me from pursuing them further.
I think about a new car (a Toyota Fit!), a new home (a homestead with chickens!), an iPhone, a new computer, a video camera. But I don't buy anything. Unless my phone or car or computer dies and I need another, I don't buy. There is no mental need, only physical. The need must be obvious and clear, then I can take an action.
Every month, after I pay bills, whatever is leftover, I put in a savings account. It means I have no extra money, but it doesn't matter. I've never really had a savings account before. Now I do. It's tiny. But it's there. Proof of my lack of action. It's there so that if an action presents itself as DO THIS, and it requires some cash, the cash is there. Though of course I understand that if Life wants me to do something, it'll also present the cash, the means.
And so now it's the weekend, and there is no action that needs doing. Usually I work Saturdays doing sessions, Sundays doing the shamanic journeying class, but the past few weeks I've been winding down, agreeing if someone reaches out and asks, but not sending out emails, not planning or announcing. This weekend, two days stretch out before me with no agenda other than one, maybe two phone sessions to do.
And today? Utterly exhausted today. Just plain worn out. By what? Demon wrasslin'. It's hard work, you know. And the mind ran several very intense trips the past couple of weeks. Very, very intense. Very, very consuming.
This is not a complaint. I have no complaints. I'm exhausted, but I also have two days to rest. I'm tired, but I'm totally taken care of. How can this not be obvious?
I post about the demon wrasslin' and kind folks send emails or comments, telling me how badly they feel for me, how they wish things were better for me. And I look at these emails and comments and wonder if my writing and story telling is so poor that it has folks so completely missing the point.
I would not change a thing in my living. I would not have The Hoon be alive, or a job that brings in 50K, or my health to be stellar and issue-free and golden. Unless Life wants that and brings that. I am absolutely clear that I am not being punished or am cursed or unlucky or even having a bad day/week/month/year/life.
What I'm doing is watching. What I am doing is allowing the truth to make itself known. How in the world can we ever hope to be clean if we can't even admit to ourselves how covered in sh*t we are?
That's the first step. The real first step. To stop fighting circumstance. To stop blaming the people, the situations around us. To stop fighting the NO and instead turn and let it have us, let if work itself out, play itself to the end, then see what's left.
So don't feel badly for me. Or if you feel badly for me, turn that feeling around, see what it illuminates inside of you. That judgment is where you start. It speaks the truth, not about me, or what I'm going through, but where you are, where you can take your stand, to surrender, to let go into the Yes.
Because I'm enjoying my living more than I ever have. I've been freed of so much suffering, heavy weights I carried around my entire life that are now simply gone. The health issues I deal with now are child's play - annoying, will lead to an early death, pernicious, but nothing like my now long gone addiction to buttheaded/manipulative men, or victimy/needy sidekicks.
Can you even imagine how free it feels to no longer need anyone or anything? To set down the need, hand it over to Life, knowing that Life will remove someone, and then bring you whatever it is that it wants you to have? That there is no sadness, or Not Fair, or loneliness?
I'm single, no kids, no friends in the way they portray it on tv. And it is good. I'm not responsible to anyone. I make 31K a year, have 90K in debt. And it's good. My choices are limited, so it's much harder to make bad choices. I'm fat and in pain and addicted to allergens. And it's all good. I know the experience of what is actually occurring in my body, and what so many folks face in their bodies.
Everything is perfect. Nothing needs to change for me to "be happy". "Happy" is to choose what Life chooses. Thank you Life, for taking such good care of me, bringing me such an interesting story to live out.
There is only what is occurring right now, enjoying it, until Life brings the next thing, either through an action you must respond to, or a feeling that an action needs to be taken which is met by Yes from Life. Other than that? Endless time . . . stretching out before you . . .
For me? Right now? Alias reruns. The latest Party Down episode. Eggs and millet/flax toast. Because I have nothing to do. And my body and mind are tired. And I'm okay with that . . .
And later, maybe Life brings me something that requires energy and movement, and even though I might still be tired, I'll do it, because I'm okay with that too . . .