I don't think about enlightenment anymore, try and head towards it, plan for it, create it. I doubt that I even knew what it was, or know now. It seems irrelevant. Even as I get rushes of Waking Up, or YES, or however I'd describe it if I'm in it. I'm not in it in this moment. Right now, I'm just a chick living a life with a kitten as a barnacle attached to my left shoulder.
Sometimes I'm not sure why I'm still blogging about this stuff. Does it matter? Does having a belief that it matters matter? I continue to experience trickles along the lines of "leaving a trail", although I still have no proof that what I'm doing is True as opposed to Freakin Bonkers.
I've got too much action going on to wallow in the rumination. I'm utterly consumed with aligning myself with the Yes, and in support of that, jettisoning as much No as I can get my hands on. Life brings stuff as each day unfolds, and then I go to it. You guys have been reading. You know how nuts things have appeared the past six or so months. And I wouldn't change a thing. It's been magic. I trust in what is occurring absolutely.
Identifying the Yes from the No looks like it would be complicated. How can you tell the No that is reisistance from the No of regular old No? How can you tell the Yes of Life from the Yes of addiction? Right now, it seems to be about wrongness and rightness, not in a moral sense, but in a gut/intuition sense. And if you're patient, pretty soon it becomes crystal clear which direction the energy is headed - toward or away. And then it just becomes about not fighting the motion, no matter what thoughts or feelings the mind or body is generating.
So much of it is also simply about walking away. When the energy is moving away, chasing after it is pointless. Not fighting the No, or trying to convince it to be Yes. But accepting people as they present themselves, and saying "excuse me", walking away, and then not coming back, no matter what the mind says. If the energy is moving away, I don't owe anyone anything, except maybe myself, in allowing my living to flow with more fun and grace and hilarious awe. Not taking the bait when folks get aggressive is also key. Or allowing their misconceptions or misunderstandings of what I'm up to bother me, or even prompt me to try and explain. Smile. Laugh. Walk away. Someone in their righteous mind won't go nuclear if you say something isn't working for you. Someone deep in the heart of their No will.
It's this clear. It boggles my brain sometimes how clear it all is when you take the time to slow down, stop taking actions, and simply watch. I feel so grateful, so glad. I don't have to solve my life anymore. Just do what I feel to do, follow the flow of energy. Until the next pocket of No opens up, navigate that, surrender into it until the Yes at it's gooey center is revealed, and then just lay back and enjoy the sun.
A couple of months ago, an enlightened guy came to NC. Someone I'd met before and felt to meet again. He invited me to come hear him speak. And then offered to even drive to Wilmington to meet with me. This is an enlightened guy. Maybe his enlightenment might rub off on me. That's the general belief these days, right? Get as close to the light as possible. But all I could hear was NoNoNoNoNoNo, a sense of dark pressure. And in the end he came and left and this sense of Yes made itself known. Why? Hell if I know. I only know that I wasn't supposed to meet with him. So I didn't.
Someone told me several months ago who Jed McKenna is. The real guy behind the pen name. And it didn't matter. I didn't try and contact him. Didn't have any questions for him. His books are the single most powerful object/thing/energy blast to have moved me in a true direction. They showed me what I'd suspected for so long - that New Age really *was* pap, and I could let it go for the delusion that it is. His books were the catalyst that broke me out of the concrete I'd walled myself inside. And because those books were so effective, I've no desire to contact him. Why would I? How could he have anything else to say to me other than "howdy" or "you give nice ash"?
I like to remind myself at least once a week how I might be profoundly mentally ill, that all this stuff I do and think and feel might be merely proof of Bonkers. The whole jist of my living right now is about fluidity, in my body, my mind, my heart, my living. Anything hard or crunchy or weighty or dense has to go. I can't hang onto it anymore. I don't want to. And so nothing is left out, everything is fair game for the pyre, and nothing is taken too seriously.
Blah, blah, blah :) I've got a love barnacle on my lap who needs a smooch, and if I've gotta choose between typing and smooching, in this moment, I choose the smooch . . .