It started happening a few weeks ago, ramped up from the clean diet my body is now fueled by of course, but also something else, some huge tide of YES that's been unleashed in my living.
I was talking to my hilarious coworker yesterday, mentioned that I had all sorts of projects and things going on. And she said: "Like what?" And I told her:
teaching a shamanic journeying class every Sunday evening in my newly created Healing Space AKA my ex-living room
doing soul retrieval shamanic healing sessions on Saturday monrings/afternoons in the healing space, as well as phone session with long distance clients
planning a Soul Sanctuary, Urban Tribe here in Wilmington with Eryn, which will be a sister tribe/church to the Denver Red Door mentioned a few posts ago
getting up at 5 a.m. every morning to work on the novel
working 40 hours a week in Hiveworld
doing a huge revamp of this here blog, including design, content, scheduling, and purpose, linking it to the Integral Shamanics website, deepening the whole transparency thing, removing the separators in my net presence as I've been doing in my head and heart, and in my living.
plus I've been doing lots of social with Eryn, including a "fieldtrip" last Sunday night to a local nightclub where many vodka cocktails were imbibed and I laughed so hard I woke up wheezy the next morning
and of course eating no processed anything which means that I prepare food for every single meal that I eat
And there are two amazing things about it all. One: I'm never tired. And Two: I'm not trying to do any of this. It's like energy gets created inside me, pressure builds, ideas start flowing like superhuman carbonation, action follows, and repeat, and repeat. There are times when the energy is so intense, all I can do is sit down and write and write and write. Or hang with Eryn and talk and talk and talk.
It never feels like anxiety or mental nuerosis, although there is often a sensation of a kind of speed wobble, in which case, if it's still there after the writing and the talking, I make myself lay down on the floor and stretch, shuck my duds and dance, or snuggle a kitty and absorb the healing vibrations of prrrrrrrrrp.
The writing and the talking is bringing forth all this Yes that is giving birth inside of me, like the dots are being connected, stars are being linked to create constellations inside me about what I'm supposed to do, and where, and who with. My living, where I've been, what I've survived, what I've learned, is making such ridiculous sense that I'm awestruck. Because there is no way I did this. Something else has always been at it, honing me like a sword out of a hunk of metal, always knowing I was headed for Katana, even as I spent all those years believing myself to be slag.
And the weird thing is that I still have all sorts of down time. I watch my little TV shows off side*reel.com at night, plus am plowing thru the newly released "Glee" DVDs, though I'm almost always in bed by 8 or 8:30pm. I snuggle kitties, exchange emails with folks, go out for meals with my sister, clean my house like it hasn't been cleaned since I moved in, and just generally have a dang good time.
Life is so dang good. Even when all this quiets, or hits a wall and oozes down onto the floor, or goes off like a comet as I go boom, or just simply stops: I am totally, utterly cool with it.
Bring it on, Life! Because you know how to party like nobody's bidness :)
Life is the one you've been waiting for . . . no sh*t :)
Writing, writing, all day writing. Caramel coffee with vanilla almond milk. Cream on top yogurt with blueberries and strawberries and just a few chunks of cantaloupe, topped off with cardamon, shared right from the bowl with any and all kitty comers. Freshly made daikon and red onion pickles made with rice and umeboshi plum vinegars. Freshly made sauerkraut with garlic and dill, set under an electric blanket to get a good running start at fermentation. A huge pot of vegetable ginger soup, to be added to with aduki bean miso for dinner in an hour. Clean house, windows open to feel the bright 66 degree sunny coastal Carolina day. Kitties watch squirrels on kitty tv.
This day shows me that it doesn't matter what you do, only that you do what moves you. In the middle of this luscious day I felt someone say to me: I want your life. And I answered: my life is easy, it's your life that's hard to create. It all gets so much easier when you let go, when you say Yes to everything Life brings you, when you stop doing the things that vibrate No at you, when you allow the current of Yes to take you and have its way with you . . .
I think I've felt a little too nervous to post. Too superstitious. It all still felt too dang scary. Like I was crossing over an abyss, high in the air, scuttling along across a six-inch wide plank, praying my fat ass wouldn't send me flying. it really didn't feel like the time to stop and share. But it does now. I'm still on the plank, but I've got a bit of a groove going on, and my heiny is even shaking to the beat of some distant drum, and I think I hear a sax, and life is really good.
I'm down 11 pounds. But that's not really the point, just the side effect. The point is that I'm not in agony any longer. My hands aren't ragingly rashy, my orifices aren't teeth-grittingly itchy, and I only look like I'm going to give birth to a single rather than a quad of bouncy baby yeast monsters.
I'm not eating any meat, or dairy, except for plain whole milk yogurt once or twice a day. I'm having an egg or two a week. I'm drinking a protein shake a day, a really high quality whey one, made with watered down vanilla almond milk and a tablespoon of yogurt. No solid food at night, except for a small amount of berries with yogurt. I snack on fresh ground almond butter with celery. I'm eating lots and lots and lots of vegetables. Lots of them. And I take the rinds and ends and leftovers and boil them for 3 hours and make veg broth, which I drink by the mugful through the day when I'm doing a "liquids only day" which has been happening a couple of times a week. I drink plain scalding hot water throughout the day. And yes, okay, coffee! High quality organic with vanilla almond milk and stevia, because I really just love how 6 am feels when I'm rocking the caffeine and writing as the sun comes up . . .
And of course all this is just what I've found has been working for me. For someone else, it'd be different. As in partially or totally or something more or less or other. And this is also the point. None of this is coming from any other place than inside of me.
And of course that was the turning point, this realization of turning away from outside influence, going in for the next step on the path. There was one distinct moment where I asked myself: why isn't this working? What is the cause of the suffering? What have I been doing over and over and it's not working and I keep hammering away at? And instead of yet again trying to figure it all out, I stopped and I prayed:
Thank you, Life, for bringing me this health stuff. I know I keep f*cking it up with trying to control it, trying to make it go away. And I'm here, letting you know, that I give up, and I give it to you, because you always take such good care of me. You turned the cancer thing into such a good time, such release, and so I'm giving this one to you too. Let me know what you want and I'll do it. And if you want to smite me sooner than later, I pray for the grace to go out with humor and surrender, eyes wide open, laughing and joyful and letting go into the pain, if pain continues to be part of the program.
And of course, everything changed. At every junction, every place where a seeming choice arose, I asked my solar plexis: Yes? And if yes was indicated, I flowed in that direction. On and on, over even the simplest actions. And so much magic began materializing all around me that there was no doubt what the dealio was: Surrender is the way to go, baby.
There's so much I could write, but I want to get going on my novel. I let myself sleep in until almost 8am this morning, snuggled in with all four of the kitties, and it was luscious, but I didn't greet the day with coffee and the novel's tribe. And it's calling to me. Can you hear it too? But I'll leave you with this:
For a couple of months, I've heard-felt a pulse, a push, and it went like this: you need to dance, you need to move your body in a non-structured, non-"exercise" fashion, you need to shake that ass, you need to f*ckin find your groove again, you need to break free of the prison of inflammation and funk and No like those trolls did in The Wiz when they came out of their gnarly twisted costumes by simply unzipping them and flowing out into the world. But standing in the living room, the music thumpin, the cats starin: nuthin but No.
Then a week a ago I met a chick who'd just moved to town. Really cool chick that founded this amazing urban church in Denver. We've hung out some and she's super chill and hilarious and smart. And she's started up this dance thing in town with the amazing dancer who founded this dance troup . Improv movement. Cool tunes. $5. And last night I went. And it freakin rocked the Casbah. Everything from My Morning Jacket's voyage into electronica to Michael Jackson to Mad, Mad World to shamanic trip-hop. Magic. Behind the pain and the funk and the inflammation, the aching back and swollen belly and crampy pancreas, I felt that luscious flow of body, that connection to the Yes of movement that used to be an ever present part of my living. So Life willing, guess where you can find me every Friday night forward for a nice long while?
So Life is so very very good . . . Emmaline snoozing in my lap, caramel coffee in my cup, the day stretching out before me . . . Yes . . .
Comments are open . . . add your energy into the Yes . . . if you need some Yes, take some, if you have some extra, leave some, all is good . . . :)