Day two of the fast. Or rather day three, as I did a pre-fast soup and protein shake day, too.
The good news is that my digestive tract feels a little better. And I've lost five pounds. And it's causing my emotional bs to show up like glow in the dark after basting in a black light. The bad news is that I feel like hell. Really. I just tried to come up with a nice metaphor for you nice peoples, and you know how much I love a good metaphor, but it hurts my brain too much. (small whine emitted)
The emotional bs I'm tracking is the same stuff I've been onto for the past few years, but really heated up a month or two ago. I don't remember what I was doing, or what precipitated it, but all of a sudden I got a picture, a multi-leveled, -layered vision of what is occurring in my psyche. I saw how fear lives in me like a cancer, like a web of infection, reaching out into all areas of my living.
I saw my Cubicleland boss, and how much I fear him, the power I believe him to hold over my existence. I see that in my self he is an archetype of Authority, much like my father or other bosses I've had, or even most of my lovers. I fear all interactions with my current boss, never relax, not really. I "know" that he's going to kick me down, I just don't when, and so I have to remain vigilant.
I saw my hilarious coworker, who in this vision, wasn't hilarious at all. My "knowing" tells me that she will betray me, and because I work with her so closely, I've told her many secrets, and she is saving them up to use them to hurt me.
I see my landlords in there, my family, my friends. I see every aspect of my life shot through with these threads. I see that I'm free in no aspect of my living. Not yet anyway.
And since seeing that vision of fear, I've slowly began turning it around, to get a better look. I'm not shifting anything or moving anything or taking any action. That would be a waste of energy. This stage of the game: gather intell, collect ammo, watch as a plan is formulated through no effort of my own, but only a product of what Life begins to shift around me.
I didn't see my kitties in that vision. But today I saw that it isn't that I fear them, it's that I fear the loss of them. This of course seems obvious, but the place in the brain that registers "obvious" is of no use to me. It's only when it registers in the body does it reveal itself. And today it registered in the body.
The really important part of all this is that I'm not efforting to do this watching, this tracking. For decades, I did practices and followed regimens to do this sort of emotional deconstructing work, and it was helpful at that stage in the game. Now, it must come up from inside, it must rise up as a natural part of the flow, or it's worse than pointless, it creates more of what I'm in the process of letting go of.
For example: I fear the death of my kitties. I fear living without them. And after 15 years of having pretty healthy cats, for the past few years, I've had cats with a host of illnesses. I willingly and gratefully nurse them and pay the vet bills, but now money is an issue, and the vet credit card I took out two years ago is almost maxed. The fear is that one of the cats will get sick and need care and I won't be able to take care of them. But the reality is that there has been enough money to give them the care they need, every single time.
So here's what happened: A few months ago, I changed to a vet who was supposedly a lot less expensive, and more willing to not require that a bill be taken care of pre-treatment, and who didn't have an often weirdly hostile staff manning the front desks like my old vet. But after the visit, which ended up costing nearly twice as much as I would have paid at my regular vet, I discovered that the new vet didn't take my vet credit card, and so I had to pay out of pocket - $180 to get two doses of antibiotics and two office visits to take care of Wallace's infected paw. As of today, the paw is infected again, same deal. But the new vet won't simply allow me to pick up the antibiotics like my old vet would do. She'd call me, we'd talk for a few minutes, and if it was the same issue as the last go around, she'd just write a scrip and we'd be done with it. And so tomorrow, Baby Wallace goes back to the old vet.
The point of this story isn't whether it's right or wrong to write a script without a visit, or which vet is less expensive or nicer or a better vet. The real deal is that I made the change in vets based on fear, not on Life showing me that I needed to move. The old vet never denied the cats care if they were sick, though she did suggest things that I couldn't afford, didn't offer to bill me, though things worked out fine without the expensive treatments she'd strongly suggested needed to be done. What preceded my switching to the new vet was only that I finally bought into the fear that said: at some point, your cats will be very sick, and you won't have money, and they will suffer, and die.
Even now, just writing this, my heart chakra burns. As it has been doing off and on ever since I made the call to the new vet this morning and they said: full charge, no credit card.
And so yet again, the Waking Up is in the life. If Life wants to take my weasels, they're gone. And if it wants me to change vets, or jobs, or apartments, it'll show me. And it won't be based on thoughts or feelings or plans. It'll be clear as day, either as doors closing and one opening up, or a burning Yes in my solar plexis pointing me in a certain direction. No decisions need to be made. Only patience cultivated, a genuine surrender into the Nothing To Do. Until the Doing is made clear.
When in doubt, wait. Magical things happen both in the waiting, and on the other side . . .
I suppose that's what I'm doing with food right now. Waiting to eat until Life shows me a clear directive. Hilarious :)