A quick post to let you guys know I'm okay, we're okay, Jacinta and I are okay.
I'm in the process of a huge shift. Not just because The Hoon is gone, because my tribe is no more. But also because I'm turning away from huge chunks of Not Me, emptying out it's echos. Setting things in motion to support I Am That I Am. Work and the novel and relationships and health, all changing, all on the move.
I've been through something sacred the past two weeks. And something profoundly human. Calhoon's dying process, and how I had to be to go through it with him, opened up deep realizations in me. The kind of realizations that you read about for years. The ones that never really make sense until something like this grabs you by the ovaries and heart and several layers of visceral tissue. And the grief is so profound that you beg for death. And yet the sense of aliveness is more intensely radiant than anything you've ever felt. And Life turns your whole body, your entire being, into a giant heart, and you walk through your living pulsing with grief and wonder and love and awe.
Jacinta stays with me constantly. She is grieving, too, and the nearness of my body soothes her. She purrs continuously. We wake in the morning and snuggle and tickle and discover. I smooch her tiny, sweet face. She licks my neck with her scratchy tongue. I coo. She purrs. And we can face the day.
There is no longer fear that The Hoon will slip away, forgotten. His ashes are mixed with Cassidy's in a green embroidered silk pouch, nestled with crystals and stones on the dining room table that has been converted to an altar, where candles burn night and day. Sometime in the future, I'll know that it's time to let their ashes go back into the earth, maybe in a forest, maybe at the beach. It might be years, but I can now feel it's rightness. He's gone. And it too, because of it's Is-ness, is Yes.
So we're okay. Life moves on. New flows, new love. Moving on from some energies, the negative, the faux, the fearful, no longer needing them, letting them go. Opening widely to others, the loving, the truthful, the Now, breathing them in, feeling them fill body and consciousness. Deeply surrendering into the flow of living, no longer fighting the gates and walls, knowing that Life has the wheel, that all we have to do is let go . . . let go . . . let go . . .
Because Yes is all there is . . . always Yes . . . all ways . . .