DatingGod: The Un-Barter

I have always been a fan of the barter. I just love it. To me, it feels like getting wonderful things for free, things that I ordinarily wouldn't either choose or be able to afford. When I was in school, I bartered a lot for massage, yoga classes, hair cuts. And I've done quite a bit the past year here in NC as well, especially at the holistic center where I work where I've had several folks barter their handcrafted jewelry for classes and sessions, brought fresh vegetables from their garden, and of course, psychic readings. I rarely turn people down that want to barter, and it certainly has made for some interesting experiences and items: a box of rocks collected from a hiking trip; a half dozen plants; a bag of food from the dollar store.

A couple of weeks ago, I did by far the strangest barter I've ever done. The woman who used to own the holistic center, who recently sold it to someone else so that she could focus on her own holistic practice, has been asking me for a while about the shamanic work I do. She'd told me a little about the work she does, most of it focused around this setup that involves a laptop and special software and connectors that fit to feet, hands, and forehead. It seemed outrageously silly to me and I did my best to keep a straight face as she told me how it cures everything from lupus to cancer to digestive disturbance to crankiness. I asked some basic questions: What does it measure? How does it measure it? How does it make it's corrections? None of which she could answer.

But over the months, she's said several times how she wants to do a barter, was curious about shamanics, and I genuinely like her, so I finally agreed to barter with her, and we set up appointment times for both of us. I went first, went to her home office, sat in the chair and she hooked me up:

Yes, I felt like as big of a goof as I look. And as she was hooking me up, I asked those three basic questions again of how, what, and treatment method. This time, she had me call the company. The woman that answered was very friendly until I asked my questions. Then she proceeded to get incredibly vague. It was like listening to a politician. She answered all sorts of questions, but never the ones I asked. So I just kept repeating the same three questions over and over and over. Of course, she got incredibly irritated with me, which for some reason made me laugh, so that the more irritated she got, the harder I laughed, until she finally just began putting me on hold for longer and longer periods of time. I hung up, shrugged, and let my barter commence.

It was hilarious. And for two solid hours I laughed and laughed and laughed. I was asked all sorts of questions around "corrections" such as "it's picking up high levels of stress, would you like the stress removed?", "it's picked up the presence of liver toxicity, would you like it to detox it?", "it's detected a past life where you were passive and chose to be a victim, would you like that cleared so that it no longer impacts your present life?" "your thyroid is underactive, would it like it to be brought back to optimum levels?" Two hours of this. Hundreds of questions like this. All to which I replied, "why, yes, yes I would".

The woman took it all very seriously, much as any "scientist" would as they ran their tests, their labs, their protocols. And she was amused by my amusement. And we did a lot of laughing together. And then I went home, and felt kind of nauseous for the rest of the day (she said this was a "healing crisis") and then . . . . . . . . . . . . nothing. If change occurred, it occurred so subtly as to be unrecognizable.

But really, it was fun. It was a hilarious way to spend a couple of hours, like medicinal fantasizing. I'm just glad I didn't have to pay for it. And when she came for a shamanic healing session from me? Well, she said didn't get anything out of it either.

Hilarious . . .