Feeling a little strung out. Just took a ridiculously hot, incredibly long epsom salt and aromatherapy bath after yet another day of fierce working out - 9 miles on the bike (or maybe 10.5, I lost count), 200 crunches, a bit of yoga. Oh yeah, and treated myself to a huge pile of sashimi and a vegetable handroll for a five pm dinner. Sat at the sushi bar and had three of the sweetest, cutest guys bring me yummy things :)
I sent the novel to the editor today (whose name is Laurie, btw). She's booked until the end of May, but said that she may be able to squeeze it in sooner. I hope for sooner. If I have to wait four weeks my head will surely explode. But it's all good. I need a break from it. I need for everything to calm down a little.
In case you didn't notice, a series of technicolor, lust-flavored love bombs went off in me over the past month or so. Ka-boom, indeed.
Other than small awakening flares of consciousness around it, I've felt almost totally s*xually numb for the past couple of years. And slowly, so very slowly, I've been waking up the past few months, really beginning with talking to Michael that night, and then building over the past few weeks.
Part of it is related to the book, as one of its central themes is about the healing nature of s*x when love is present. A couple of months ago, as I began to work on the book in earnest, a channel opened itself up in the dam, and energy began to trickle through.
And then Life began to bring all sorts of men into my world.
Sitting in a coffee shop for hours that Friday a couple (few?) weeks ago, having Eddie listen to me, to what was going on inside of my head and heart, feeling genuinely heard, getting that this sweet, beautiful man had stepped up to help me navigate the treacherous waters that rage inside the fat I carry. Hanging with him a day or two each week, trading stories and support, a genuine friendship developing, helping each other along with the transitions we're in.
Hanging with the Bee Master as we drive all over the boonies, tending the bees, lifting the top off the hives and inhaling that soft, sweet, humming honey and pollen scent of them. Listening to some of the wildest spiritual/intellectual sh*t talking I've heard in a long dang while. Putting on the veil and jacket and gloves and entering a different world. Entering into bee time.
Getting the most intense massage I've ever had via a guy I met through bee class, by far the most aggressive therapist I've ever given my body over to. But he didn't hurt me, just turned my body inside out, folded it in and over and around itself like I was human taffy, and when he was done, kissed me full on the mouth. Though for the life of me I can't figure out how none of it was ever s*xual, because it was so very thorough in that way that only really intense s*x is. (Do you know what I mean by this? If you do, please let me know as I still haven't sorted this one out and am going back in for round two on Wednesday :)
Now I'm a bit hungover from it all. It has all just been so Very Much. I don't think it's possible to go from 0 to 90 in a few months and not feel a bit queasy from the speed wobbles. So I'm a bit protective of myself right now, like I want to hibernate a little and sleep and zone and splash in the shallow waters for a few days.
And so tonight I drink really delicious (woody, slightly nutty) red wine and listen to Ani Defranco and Ben Lee and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and write and scratch the pelt of The Hoon and sigh into the gratefulness for this life I get to lead. Because seriously, I love my life. Oh, wow, how I love my life :)
And I know better than to do anything other than what This Moment speaks to. Because, really, who knows what tomorrow brings? I certainly don't . . .
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