Ahhhh, Why Not?

It has been a rough muthafreakin few weeks. Conflict all up in my grill. Coming in from all sides like an emotional bouncing betty. People just all up in crazy assortments of mean freakishness. Xmas and then New Year's like a pissy pox on day after day.

The shamanic work has been the one throughline of power, a Yes so obvious that it's filled me with a sense of a sort of destiny, as in: I Am In The Right Place, and This Is The Right Time. Each week bringing more and more people, in response to the little ads and listings I've placed here and there over town, in response to hanging out at the holistic center on busy days and talking to people. But mostly in response to the sound of my sessions, the chanting, the singing I do while in the midst of soul retrievals.

The sounds I make when I do healing work was one of my biggest sticking points with working out of a public holistic center. "I make a fair bit of noise," I told the owner of the center before I agreed to give her a deposit and sign a lease agreement. She said it would probably be fine. I brought all sorts of towels and blankets to stuff under doors to close the gaps, installed a sound machine to radiate white noise. But when the sessions kick in, all sorts of melodic and atonal whatnot flow from my mouth. I can't help it. It's like making love and letting go. It's part of the magic, the love, so it just flows. And sometimes the clients join in and we form a gorgeous chorus and oh my how sweet it is . . .

And then I get these phone calls. "So, how did you hear about the sessions?" I ask.

"Ummm," they say, "well, I was at the holistic center the other day, and I HEARD you. And it was the most intense thing I've ever heard and I thought: I want that."

And I keep thinking how hilarious it is that the one thing I've been trying to keep quiet and under wraps is the one thing that is causing what I do to be something that Is Heard. And I can't help but wonder what else I've been trying to hide that really, truly should be let loose. Do you know what I mean?

And so tonight I did another one of those free talks on Things Shamanic. Last month 2 people showed up (plus one beard :) This time, 12 people showed up, and oh lordy was it lively and instead of an easy going hour and a half it ran over two hours. Even the couple who said that they were only going to stay a half hour or so and then cut out stayed the duration, because, really, it was just so much dang fun. And there is this sense that the folks here are so hungry for this sort of thing that they are showing up and saying: you don't understand, I've been reading and yearning for this and then I open the paper and there is this ad . . .

I've been doing five or six or seven sessions a week with people, all happily paying what I request, no questions, no problems. And each session is also a learning experience for me, with each person presenting with different issues, requiring different methods, techniques, some of which I don't discover until I'm faced with the client's specific needs. I don't speak about this with the clients, but I repay them with extra time, lots and lots of extra time. Initial sessions run an hour and a half to two hours. Follow up sessions run an hour and a half. I work until the job is done, til healing hits the point of Yes. I know as I do this more, gain more experience that I'll be able to do what I do in less time, but for now: two hours. And in our current culture of time crunches in receiving, the folks who come for healing really appreciate these wide full expanses of time and energy. I've been doing healing work for so long that I know what a Yes feels like, but this new way of working means that I'm building my muscles, my toolbox, the general way that things will flow in getting to that place . . .

And another class series starts next week, with eight people already signed up, and another four who have said they want to, who will confirm over the next couple of days. Lots of calls, emails. Lots of interest. I learned tonight that I was included in some sort of emailing calendar, and part of someone's newsletter. I'm not sure if this is just some sort of initial hit of interest, but it feels like something more. I'm now a big fish in a small pond, but again, it feels like something more. There is a sense of having hit some sort of stride in holistic work, that this is the place for me right now, that the work is here, that folks are open to this, that the time is Now. And this doesn't feel egotistical, just a sort of: I was called so I came. That sounds egotistical too doesn't it? Maybe it's more like a: there's a spill in aisle nine and I'm the chick holding the mop :)

Then there is the advanced class that starts next week as well, that I am so excited about that my eyes cross a little when I sit down and plan it out. Because if there is one thing I can do, it's teach other people how to do healing work. And teach it with humor and passion and some get down wit yo bad sef funk and some self healing and some humility and on and on. And yet, I don't do much intense planning with it. Because I get that the people who decide to continue on will show me what they are open, ready to learn. I know enough of what is going to occur over the next month, knowing that the next month will make itself known when it's time.

What I do envision happening each week is an opening sharing of what's happening for folks with the shamanic journeying they've been doing. Then a thirty-minute journey followed by more talking about what they just went thru in the group journey experience. Then the really good stuff kicks in. Shamanic journeying via dancing and live drumming, shamanic healing techniques done while in motion, dancing, hands moving, drums pounding, rattles snaking through the beat, voices lifted in chanting and song and atonal flows of all sorts of sound. (Kelly, oh how I wish you were here :)

And the hilarious part: My life has never felt so f*cked up and painful and and just plain weird. And I'm so grateful for the moments of lusciousness, the sweet moments of Yes, and I know without a doubt that the the entirety of my life has led to this place, that I have something to learn here, and something to give, and much to allow to die and be plowed under for next year's planting.

I work on the novel a bit every day, each day revealing a bit more of what it really means for me. Each day brings another thing that used to be important, but is no longer so. I deal with the repercussions of this, of how clearly I'm seeing, how horrific this usually is, how I have faith that this is toxins flooding out of me, how I know that I will eventually end up Very Much Dead, and that there is a good chance that I will also hit that place Very Much Awake.

Maybe not. But I will continue to move in that direction, even if every single person in my near vicinity has determined that I am a few seeds short of a gourd. Because the Schputz of the past few weeks continues. The Stoopid Rain tinkles on.

And I'm okay with it. On the far side I'll understand. For now: keep my eyes open, keep pedaling, keep smooching The Hoon, keep giving thanks . . .

Comments

[kelly]

Me too. Me too.

Sorry people are up in yr grill. Tell em there's only room enough for one and it's already occupied! xoxo.

[zenchick]

"And the hilarious part: My life has never felt so f*cked up and painful and and just plain weird"
me too.
especially in the "good" or "up" times.
my gratitude for your ongoing inspiration.

[Mouse]

Amen

[mm]

Keep going, Kate. The quote that zenchick picked out applies to me too.

[Nicko]

Oh my god, I really love you site. i was just browsing the net tonight then accidentally stumble on your site. I'ts like a miracle you know, i think everything that is or will be written here will apply to my life. you have no idea how much i nead something to read like this one. thanx! :)